Perturbed (Repost from my 2009 post in FB)

 

i am just looking for a quiet place here in the park. i just want to rest my troubled heart even for a while. no, not as troubled as before though. but the fact remains there is a struggle within. right now i feel dead. i feel numb. numb by pain? no! i dont feel any pain at all. i am already at this stage where pain has no bearing anymore to my being. however i feel that right now, my life is devoid of any meaning. and the only thing that i know is i am lonely. loneliness... seems interminable.

my mistake (only if i would consider it as such). so blame nobody except me! i have never been wise enough in handling things like this. between my heart and my mind, the latter is my stronger point but the last few years of my decision-making showed otherwise. most if not all of my actions were solely based on my feelings. and i was fully aware of this reality that even if i am languishing now in grief there is nobody to point the finger to except myself. suffer thyself, for i allowed to be a victim of my own emotions.

but you think i care? no. my heart is what gives me humanity. my heart taught me that to be able to feel pain and then overcome it after is one great feat. and yes maybe, it will make me stronger. so it does not matter to me anymore to be in this state. maybe tomorrow will be better. that when a new day comes there is already a new beginning. another story that needs to be unfolded. so i guess there is nothing else to do now except to move on. and my adventure continues. in this world, i may not have loved only once or twice because my search for true love has remained as my greatest quest.